IDK why I named this "dear everyone" it isn't even that formal or exciting to address it that way.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you all for being such good friends and so supportive. I know it seems like my life is a fairytale since I come from a fairly wealthy family, neighborhood, school and area. But in all reality, sometimes I wish I didn't have so much. Like, it's great going on loads of vacations and going to all my favorite concerts but there's always so much drama that comes with it. You know? I think I've gotten affluenza.
(Also, has anyone ever heard Affluenza by Conan Gray??? It's literally SO TRUE! At least in the area I've grown up in. It literally describes me and my friends' lives in one way or another. If not, go check it out, it's a great song.)
Anyway, the definition of affluenza is: the negative psychological or behavioral effects of having or pursuing wealth, as irresponsible acts and feelings of self-doubt or guilt.
Lately, I've been really struggling with my depression and anxiety. The only person I've really opened up to about this is you guys, my best friend and Brody. Everyone in my family claims that I'm "The Favorite" child despite the fact that I'm the middle child. Usually, middle children are somewhat forgotten which is partially true. But, my parents are always praising me for my good grades, clean room, helpfulness, my talents and always being obedient. They also praise me for not having problems.
But I do have problems. Loads. Half my friends betrayed me, I'm falling behind in math, I'm expected to be the perfect angel child and I never get into trouble for things. Like seriously, I'm only fourteen and the other day, I came home with a freaking hickey. (Not that it's a bad thing lmao) But, when I told my mom, I was terrified I'd be in huge trouble. However, she literally just told me to be safe and things and that I was free to do whatever I want. I don't know why they do this. What if I WANT to get in trouble for things. What if I WANT to be like my friends and when I’m caught doing something I shouldn’t be I’d get grounded. What if I WANT to be in trouble for coming home at 3 in the morning without any great explanation.
Sometimes, I’m tempted to see what would happen if I do something that even I’M not comfortable doing, just to see if I’d be in trouble. However, I’m not sure that I will since that would be quite irresponsible of me and I’d rather not do that.
It’s like they forget that I’m just a kid too. Sure, I’m good at prioritizing what needs to be done, getting good grades, eating healthy, having good hygiene and just being responsible, but it gets to be too much. They forget that I’m still learning. I’m still growing. And for goodness sake, three years ago, I still believed in the tooth fairy and Santa Clause. I guess a lot has changed. With my mom now working full time and my dad home things are different. And they recently told us that they’re getting a divorce.
Honestly, right now, I’m just trying to get my stuff together and try to figure out what I’m supposed to do. I’m not going to go into full detail about a lot of things, but it’s been SO. HARD. My great grandmother isn’t doing well at all, and is probably going to pass away any day now. She is really old though, and she broke her elbow the other day so maybe if she passes, she’ll be put out of her misery. She’s been alone for 25 years, her husband died quite a while ago. She’s been living with my great aunt and my second cousins for a while now, and they’ve been doing a pretty good job of keeping her well. It’s just so sad, the love of her life has been gone for a little longer than a quarter of her lifetime. And with all of our family’s drama she’s had to put up with, she’ll probably be happier. But that won’t make it any easier for the rest of us.
My grandpa, from the same side of my family, also isn’t doing well. We’ve known he hasn’t been well for quite a while, but now his heart is starting to fail him. They’re applying for one of those machine things to help keep his heart going, and he’s really excited about it, but they don’t know if they’ll even qualify for it. If he doesn’t, there’s really no telling how much longer he’ll live. But with it, he might get in a few more years.
And I was rejected for the very first time, from getting into a musical. I’ve never had that happen before. I’ve always made it into them. It hurts. So. Bad. But my parents haven’t really had the time to be there for me. They’re too busy fighting and helping my other siblings and other family stuff. To be fair, I haven’t even told them I didn’t make it. The only ones who know that are you guys, my very best friend and Brody. I don’t want to add to their stress. It’s not worth it. They wouldn’t have time anyway. Like I said, they don’t seem to care when I’m struggling. They only notice my physical ailments and injuries and everything I do well.
I just wish that I didn’t have to deal with all of my family’s problems and worry about them, along with my brothers’ and my own. It gets HARD. Even though I have money and some great friends and a wonderful boyfriend, I’m still human. And I have trials too. I just wish that someone could see that, deep down inside, I’m fighting a battle. I’m trying. So. So. Hard.
Have you ever heard “Problems” by The Tide? It’s another amazing song that I relate to. It’s LITERALLY me. I’m going to put the lyrics I relate most to here.
“And in the eighth grade,
Had the world on my shoulders,
Warm inside but the house was getting colder,
Mom upstairs, and Dad on the sofa,
Is this how it’s meant to be?
Crawling down the path that you paved for me
Lying on the bed that you made for me
I ain’t looking for prayers or sympathy
Just hear me out
Sure, we get older
And we get wiser
But don’t try to tell me what to do
‘Cause this kid’s got problems too
Maybe you’re bolder
A little bit stronger
But don’t try to tell me what to do
‘Cause this kid’s got problems too”
Anyway, I’m not sure why I shared those lyrics, but I felt like it helped me better say what I’m trying to say. I guess this is probably getting long and boring, but really, I just need someone to talk to. Literally anyone at this point. I mean, Brody listens, but he’s already done enough. You guys have already done enough. And I can’t thank you enough for that.
I’ll stop with my ranting for now, and share some better news to hopefully cheer things up a bit. @Sophie The Soy Sauce will appreciate this, Hayden FINALLY has a boyfriend!!! So that’s exciting!!! I haven’t met him yet though, and he'd better be good enough for my bro. If not, he’s gonna be dead and have to face the darker side of myself. And Noah agrees. I guess they’re not the only protective triplets. I’m protective too. Just a little bit. Not as much as they are.
I’ve still got to shower and it’s Easter so my cousins are sleeping over so showering is kinda important before they do, so HAPPY EASTER and thanks for reading my rant. I don’t know if any of you had the attention span to do so which is okay (I'm talking about @Zoe Barnes), but if you did, I really do appreciate it. You guys mean the world to me. I love you all!
Signing out for tonight,
Sophieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ❤
great, i just found out my percussion teacher has cancer and he's really sick. not to mention we have a concert next week 😭
Im so sorry! I do feel what your going through! in some what way thats what happens to me too. Well sorta. But I do get in trouble if I dont do things and stuff like that.
Ngl when I read this, I was like dam, now I have to show emotion
Guess what :D
I read the rest :)))
Now be proud of meeee lmao
Again awkward start to my very important speech xD
My grandparents' health also isn't doing so well, but nothing is permanent and everything will leave you eventually. (I probably just sound hopeless rn, I kinda wanna write a song about people betraying ppl from my other comment cuz I wanna write songs, okay this was really random anyways-). I also relate to what you said about parents being busy, like sometimes I'll walk up to my mom to say something and she'll just shout at me and say she's busy and for me to talk to her later, it's a normal thing in my house now. My mom never fails to remind me how much money and time I took from her, and how she's gonna live like a decade less because I'm a waste of her time and blah blah blah. Like, do adult even know how easy it is for people to slip into depression?! Sigh. But, I know my parents do care about me, even though I feel like they favour my sister. Your parents will always care about you, but they also have their own life, too, and can't help every family member everyday. We just hope to grow up soon and have our own life where we can stop worrying about impressing and getting approval of people. Because, what even is our life now? We're just trying to impress our teachers, make our parents proud. Then, what do we do after that? we please everyone, then what, we're just going to have the life our parents wanted us to have? Be the person the sculpted us into? In the end, you're going to leave them and nothing you did to make them proud will matter. So don't worry about pleasing others, worry about yourself. (Also me being hypocritical here and just trying to please my parents everyday.) But don't forget, listen to your parents because they're probably right, even if you don't see it.
Mm yes one more thing btw
Try making random-ass edits, editing is literally my therapy. And watch random clips of the marvel cast. Cooking with flo is apparently free therapy even though I've never tried it.
No offense but I only read like 4 paragraphs, everything looks so big in my phone and I don't wanna read all of it sorry 😭
But I RELATE TO YOU ON ANOTHER LEVELLL, AT LEAST THE PARTS I READ
expect the getting in trouble thing. I feel like that would be kinda nice tho cuz my parents r rly strict 💀
If you ever want to vent, just keep venting here even tho I won't read all of it but I'm sure jas and Sophie would read it :)
Okay time to get my speech I say every time someone vents>>>
*ahem*
So idrk how to start my speech smoothly without having a choppy start so uhhh if it sounds rly unnatural...
A lot of people who struggle with mental health feel like they're all alone, yk? Idk if you do, but you ALWAYS need to remember that you're not the only one. About 1 in 5 people struggle with mental health, and even those who don't, they have many problems too. Now, I'm not saying you're being too dramatic about this, and that since everyone has their own problems you shouldn't be venting, in fact I think the exact opposite, but I just wanted to say that because my previous sentence might've made you feel that way. Just in case. Okay back to what I was saying, a lot of people struggle with mental health too so you're not alone. You should confide in more people (ahem totally not me being a hypocrite here and never telling anyone about my problems *cough cough*), because there's a large chance they're going through something similar and then you can help each other, yk?
About the betrayed friend thing, that really sucks, I know how that feels. It stabs a hole in you that you can never quite fill. An empty space of nothing. That's why every time you decide to live someone, it takes something from you and it hurts, every time it's the same. So cut toxic people out of your life before you love them and they stab you, then you can do nothing about it. (Kinda hoping I'm not sounding depressed and hopeless here.)
Yk, you come from a wealthy family, right? That doesn't mean you don't deserve the money or anything (cuz I literally feel like that everyday). Truth is, I don't think anybody likes their life. Grass is always greener on the other side, just take me and you for example. You mentioned that your parents let you get away with everything, right? You know, I would kill for parents who let you get away with stuff, my parents are so strict, I just wish they would let me do things my friends do. Do you see what I mean? Your life is literally my perfect life. While mine is yours (idk). So in life, you just gotta make do with what you have.
Time to talk about more depression 🥲. Studies show that exercising for 30 minutes can make you happier for up to 75 minutes afterwards. So maybe try that? (Tbh when I found this out I was like NOPE NOT WORTH IT FOR 75 MINS, so here's me being a hypocrite again.) Also, maybe if you're just feeling overwhelmed, just go for a walk (also me who doesn't go outside, ever) it really helps clear your mind and science shows that being around nature can make you happy. It just kinda makes you forget all your worries. So much more worth it than the exercising one, you basically get to be happy for as long as you want, as long as you're outside. Also, you play an instrument, right? Just go play that and it'll take your mind off things. Also dancing. Helps SO FREAKING MUCH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW. I once had a really bad day at school, and then went to dance class and for those 2 hours, I was completely happy. Then it finished and I became sad again. Oh, also, read a book. It's like entering another dimension and just leaving all your worries behind. 😌 (Me who never reads nowadays)
Anyways, hope I helped a bit, and the thing about your parents and family probably didn't help at all because I can't really relate to that, and this was mostly just me telling you stuff that could probably help myself a lot but I never do these things <3
Also here's Andrew to brighten your mood :D
Always here for you if you wanna talk, I give crappy advice but yeah. That goes to everyone.
Luv you 3000 and more <3 :)
I understand that and I'm soo sorry things are going that way for you. I've only been here for a few months but it's been life changing, having somewhere to express yourself yknow? And I probably shouldn't be the person to give you advice but it kinda sounds like you're putting WAY too much pressure on yourself. I think you should take a step back from everything and take time for yourself, just to have fun and be a child.
Like you said, you're just a kid. No kid should have to deal with that, but what can I say, times change. This is the reason so many teens nowadays are depressed and no adult truly seems to understand that. I'm lucky enough to have amazing parents who care about me and even though it feels like they think I'm not good enough sometimes I keep telling myself I'll make them proud.
And my parents don't know how much I really know about this but I have to go to my friends house on Tuesday when I go to school and it because my dad has to go to a doctor’s appointment and my mom is going with him. His lungs are failing. They don’t know the details but for the longest time he’s had this cough and we didn’t realize it was serious as of late. My parents haven’t really told us anything bc they don’t want us to worry.
If you ask me, really the hardest thing is motivation. Something about me: I’m emotional and completely emotionless at the same time. I care deeply and I don’t give a fuck. It’s weird. I don’t know how to explain it. But most of the times I am not emotional at all, insecure yes, but not emotional. And that makes it really hard for me to motivate myself. Stopping procrastination is hard because I don;t have a reason, I don’t have a passion, I don’t have a drive, and I really don’t care because I am a big agathist… in the sense that I always tell myself it’ll be okay eventually. But I don’t work towards making it okay. I stay idle. And I really don’t know how to get over it because like I said, I have no motivation.
Good Godric this made me cry 😭