Dear Everyone (wow quite the name ik)

IDK why I named this "dear everyone" it isn't even that formal or exciting to address it that way.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you all for being such good friends and so supportive. I know it seems like my life is a fairytale since I come from a fairly wealthy family, neighborhood, school and area. But in all reality, sometimes I wish I didn't have so much. Like, it's great going on loads of vacations and going to all my favorite concerts but there's always so much drama that comes with it. You know? I think I've gotten affluenza.

(Also, has anyone ever heard Affluenza by Conan Gray??? It's literally SO TRUE! At least in the area I've grown up in. It literally describes me and my friends' lives in one way or another. If not, go check it out, it's a great song.)

Anyway, the definition of affluenza is: the negative psychological or behavioral effects of having or pursuing wealth, as irresponsible acts and feelings of self-doubt or guilt.

Lately, I've been really struggling with my depression and anxiety. The only person I've really opened up to about this is you guys, my best friend and Brody. Everyone in my family claims that I'm "The Favorite" child despite the fact that I'm the middle child. Usually, middle children are somewhat forgotten which is partially true. But, my parents are always praising me for my good grades, clean room, helpfulness, my talents and always being obedient. They also praise me for not having problems.

But I do have problems. Loads. Half my friends betrayed me, I'm falling behind in math, I'm expected to be the perfect angel child and I never get into trouble for things. Like seriously, I'm only fourteen and the other day, I came home with a freaking hickey. (Not that it's a bad thing lmao) But, when I told my mom, I was terrified I'd be in huge trouble. However, she literally just told me to be safe and things and that I was free to do whatever I want. I don't know why they do this. What if I WANT to get in trouble for things. What if I WANT to be like my friends and when I’m caught doing something I shouldn’t be I’d get grounded. What if I WANT to be in trouble for coming home at 3 in the morning without any great explanation.

Sometimes, I’m tempted to see what would happen if I do something that even I’M not comfortable doing, just to see if I’d be in trouble. However, I’m not sure that I will since that would be quite irresponsible of me and I’d rather not do that.

It’s like they forget that I’m just a kid too. Sure, I’m good at prioritizing what needs to be done, getting good grades, eating healthy, having good hygiene and just being responsible, but it gets to be too much. They forget that I’m still learning. I’m still growing. And for goodness sake, three years ago, I still believed in the tooth fairy and Santa Clause. I guess a lot has changed. With my mom now working full time and my dad home things are different. And they recently told us that they’re getting a divorce.

Honestly, right now, I’m just trying to get my stuff together and try to figure out what I’m supposed to do. I’m not going to go into full detail about a lot of things, but it’s been SO. HARD. My great grandmother isn’t doing well at all, and is probably going to pass away any day now. She is really old though, and she broke her elbow the other day so maybe if she passes, she’ll be put out of her misery. She’s been alone for 25 years, her husband died quite a while ago. She’s been living with my great aunt and my second cousins for a while now, and they’ve been doing a pretty good job of keeping her well. It’s just so sad, the love of her life has been gone for a little longer than a quarter of her lifetime. And with all of our family’s drama she’s had to put up with, she’ll probably be happier. But that won’t make it any easier for the rest of us.

My grandpa, from the same side of my family, also isn’t doing well. We’ve known he hasn’t been well for quite a while, but now his heart is starting to fail him. They’re applying for one of those machine things to help keep his heart going, and he’s really excited about it, but they don’t know if they’ll even qualify for it. If he doesn’t, there’s really no telling how much longer he’ll live. But with it, he might get in a few more years.

And I was rejected for the very first time, from getting into a musical. I’ve never had that happen before. I’ve always made it into them. It hurts. So. Bad. But my parents haven’t really had the time to be there for me. They’re too busy fighting and helping my other siblings and other family stuff. To be fair, I haven’t even told them I didn’t make it. The only ones who know that are you guys, my very best friend and Brody. I don’t want to add to their stress. It’s not worth it. They wouldn’t have time anyway. Like I said, they don’t seem to care when I’m struggling. They only notice my physical ailments and injuries and everything I do well.

I just wish that I didn’t have to deal with all of my family’s problems and worry about them, along with my brothers’ and my own. It gets HARD. Even though I have money and some great friends and a wonderful boyfriend, I’m still human. And I have trials too. I just wish that someone could see that, deep down inside, I’m fighting a battle. I’m trying. So. So. Hard.

Have you ever heard “Problems” by The Tide? It’s another amazing song that I relate to. It’s LITERALLY me. I’m going to put the lyrics I relate most to here.

“And in the eighth grade,

Had the world on my shoulders,

Warm inside but the house was getting colder,

Mom upstairs, and Dad on the sofa,

Is this how it’s meant to be?

Crawling down the path that you paved for me

Lying on the bed that you made for me

I ain’t looking for prayers or sympathy

Just hear me out

Sure, we get older

And we get wiser

But don’t try to tell me what to do

‘Cause this kid’s got problems too

Maybe you’re bolder

A little bit stronger

But don’t try to tell me what to do

‘Cause this kid’s got problems too”

Anyway, I’m not sure why I shared those lyrics, but I felt like it helped me better say what I’m trying to say. I guess this is probably getting long and boring, but really, I just need someone to talk to. Literally anyone at this point. I mean, Brody listens, but he’s already done enough. You guys have already done enough. And I can’t thank you enough for that.

I’ll stop with my ranting for now, and share some better news to hopefully cheer things up a bit. @Sophie The Soy Sauce will appreciate this, Hayden FINALLY has a boyfriend!!! So that’s exciting!!! I haven’t met him yet though, and he'd better be good enough for my bro. If not, he’s gonna be dead and have to face the darker side of myself. And Noah agrees. I guess they’re not the only protective triplets. I’m protective too. Just a little bit. Not as much as they are.

I’ve still got to shower and it’s Easter so my cousins are sleeping over so showering is kinda important before they do, so HAPPY EASTER and thanks for reading my rant. I don’t know if any of you had the attention span to do so which is okay (I'm talking about @Zoe Barnes), but if you did, I really do appreciate it. You guys mean the world to me. I love you all!

Signing out for tonight,

Sophieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ❤